day 1 among the last of them

today was the first day of my senior year. there was no tech though, that starts tomorrow.

the upside: got to sleep in on my first day
the downside: i had to walk to school and nearly had to walk back due to mass confusion between not knowing what number my bus was and if it even existed to begin with

i realized today that not existing would be easy, i never really existed to begin with in my school and quite honestly that's working just fine for me. Yet, even though it works perfectly as far as having a peaceful/dramaless year goes, it also reminded me of how alone i am most of the time. i don't want to fall back into the habit of keeping everything to myself and shutting everyone out. that's where God comes in the most. when i read this in the future i want it to remind me of what my state of mind was at the start of this year.

right now things are extremely weird, with my friends, family, relationship and overall self. ever since i got back a week ago, things have been kind of extreme. although some of it is extremely unfortunate, it brought to light some of the most important things in my life and what needs to change. the end of this summer has shown me that i'm not a kid anymore, i may not be a "real adult" yet, but i'm certainly not a kid. it's a weird feeling, it's not good or bad. just weird. as of right now i don't know how i feel about it and i don't think i'll know for a little while, but i do accept it. otherwise, i feel like i wouldn't be allowing God to move me forward with his plan in my life. i realized more and more that i came to accept the way i was living. sitting inside, reading the bible, not cursing, not going out and doing nothing isn't exactly Godliness, in a way it's more fear of not being able to handle the world. by staying in the little bubble it becomes a sanctuary and a different world of your own world. nothing changes or moves and there's this security of not getting hurt or screwing anyone over but at the end of the day, you screw yourself over. when i graduate and i'm on my own i want to be ready to take what the world has to throw at me. if things stay the way they are, i don't see how that's possible. everyone might not exactly agree with it, but i know it's what God wants. regardless of what anyone is thinking, i don't want to ignore it out of fear of being hated, upset with, or hurt. i've been doing that for too long.

i don't exactly know where i'm going to end up or where this is gonna go, but i know it's somewhere.

its been a hwhile

welp. it's ma birthday.

and not only does that mean i'm another year older, but its a sure sign that summer is almost done for. which means it's blogging season - at least until the school year is over. i realized this summer that over the year i only used this as an outlet, like a place to drop off the mess in the nonsense dump truck that is my mind. it didn't really matter if anyone/who was reading it, but at one point i did become dependent on it. it made it even more difficult to confide in other people and sometimes even in God.

but at the end of the day every post became something to look back on. although i might not be as consistent with it, i still want something to review in the future. like a back up memory. so everything that goes in here is just a tab or a mark. this is all a time capsule filled with all the who-i-was-and-will-be's that make me who i am, in Christ.

still

even after all this time
even after all the realizations and growing i've done
even after all the recovery

i still can't do it.

not yet, it's not time yet.
so i'll wait on you, God.

i don't want to fail you.

in vs. out

i'm trying to find a decent balance between the time i spend alone and the time i spend going out.

nothing is really definite for this summer aside from me working on tuesdays and thursdays.

other than that there's these two extremes that go on throughout the weeks:

i'm out for days

i'm in my house alone all day

there's really no balance, and i can't tell which i'm more comfortable with

being out with friends is really nice and all but i almost feel like i have no time to think and get overwhelmed

but being at home alone for such an extreme amount of time drives me nuts from thinking too much.

perfect example being today.

and somewhere in this weird pattern i find myself with too much or too little time, not making any for God

i haven't read since before heatwave. i should be now but instead i'm blogging in the middle of the night.

it makes me feel like a butthead when i push Him aside like this cause i know He never does.

that's really what i should be doing right now, consulting to Him about this.

guess that's my cue to leave..

closure

for once in my life, or at least as far as i can remember, i know how i feel

there is no doubt or indecision. there is no hopelessness and there is no anxiety.

there is no wanting more and there is no feeling unwanted.

and most of all there is no desire at the moment to reach for anything but God

there are no distractions; no crushes, no overwhelming temptations, no fear, no angst, no jealousy, no confusion, no sadness.

because right now and for the past couple months God has been telling me to be still and know that HE is God, that HE knows what he's doing

and at long last i decided to listen.

but the greatest thing about it all is there is no insecurity,

because the more i strive to be like him, the more beautiful i feel, because He is.

so glad to never go back

thank God we never have the option of going back in time
thank God we can only move forward
thank God we always have an option to grow
thank God most of us do
thank God i have You

i wrote a whole post

explaining everything.

like, how when i want to talk about something bugging me, i somehow convince myself not to.

and come up with different reasons each time.

this time it was because i realized i'm only trying to convince myself.

funny thing is, i erased it all.