in vs. out

i'm trying to find a decent balance between the time i spend alone and the time i spend going out.

nothing is really definite for this summer aside from me working on tuesdays and thursdays.

other than that there's these two extremes that go on throughout the weeks:

i'm out for days

i'm in my house alone all day

there's really no balance, and i can't tell which i'm more comfortable with

being out with friends is really nice and all but i almost feel like i have no time to think and get overwhelmed

but being at home alone for such an extreme amount of time drives me nuts from thinking too much.

perfect example being today.

and somewhere in this weird pattern i find myself with too much or too little time, not making any for God

i haven't read since before heatwave. i should be now but instead i'm blogging in the middle of the night.

it makes me feel like a butthead when i push Him aside like this cause i know He never does.

that's really what i should be doing right now, consulting to Him about this.

guess that's my cue to leave..

closure

for once in my life, or at least as far as i can remember, i know how i feel

there is no doubt or indecision. there is no hopelessness and there is no anxiety.

there is no wanting more and there is no feeling unwanted.

and most of all there is no desire at the moment to reach for anything but God

there are no distractions; no crushes, no overwhelming temptations, no fear, no angst, no jealousy, no confusion, no sadness.

because right now and for the past couple months God has been telling me to be still and know that HE is God, that HE knows what he's doing

and at long last i decided to listen.

but the greatest thing about it all is there is no insecurity,

because the more i strive to be like him, the more beautiful i feel, because He is.

so glad to never go back

thank God we never have the option of going back in time
thank God we can only move forward
thank God we always have an option to grow
thank God most of us do
thank God i have You

i wrote a whole post

explaining everything.

like, how when i want to talk about something bugging me, i somehow convince myself not to.

and come up with different reasons each time.

this time it was because i realized i'm only trying to convince myself.

funny thing is, i erased it all.

judgement

(didn't make that ^)

i've been kinda messed up lately.

to other people, but only in my head (if that makes any sense?)

i stopped saying things out loud about people, thus saying things even more in my head

which in reality is worse

the fact that only God and i know how messed up the things i've been saying about people have been makes me feel like such a crappier person.

mainly because at the end of the day, who am i REALLY doing it for?

God, or everyone else?

if He's the only one who can hear me, isn't that just as bad if not worse?

when you come to that realization, it flips everything around.

stress is doubt

this week has been full of it

last night i was up until 1 in the morning tossing and turning until finally i realized

i'm stressing over things i shouldn't be

i work hard in school

i've been practicing my butt off for this sunday

and who cares if i screw up?

we're playing worship music

which means its not about us

it's about God

as far as my grades go, i can do it. i really can do this.

everyone else is bugging out too, about the same stuff.

and i hope you all realize this one thing:

stressing. doesn't. help.

its doesn't, and i understand it just happens on impulse.

but if you come to realize that you are stressed, replace it with action.

i speak for myself as well.

i always say "if you don't like it, change it"

which, in some cases, ISN'T possible

but in this case it is.

so take advantage of that friends.

there's a lot of windows being opened right now and all we can do to get to where we want to be is step out of our comfort zone

and jump.

i need the world to know

what i know,

and feel what i feel

it doesn't matter when or where it happened

whether it was 40 minutes away or in the comfort of my own house

tonight i felt Him in the wind

He was holding me