decisions decisions decisions

i decided to:

stop saying i'll do it tomorrow.
get the guts.
thank God even/especially on the bad days.
actually rejoice in my trials.
have more faith.
take more risks.
be more patient.
stop thinking.

do something.

it's weird.

have you ever had someone when you were younger, play the smallest role in your life, but have the biggest impact?

then you find out that they're not at all who you thought they were?
you just put them on this pedestal before you really know about their life, because of what they've done to impact yours?

its happened to me a countless amount of times, and it's something i'm training myself not to do.
just recently i found someone i haven't spoken to in a VERY long time, a couple of years or so, but i guess i wasn't really expecting what i saw. or heard.

it's so strange because at the time i met them i was going through this crazy time where i was just getting to get to know God, but i was also getting to know the way the world really worked.
when i met this person, it was the biggest deal, i'd never met anyone like it. they were on fire for God, or at least at the time they were. they had this crazy drive and glow to them, which probably made them seem that much more appealing to me. i didn't even know anything about them, but i did know that they inspired me to want more of God, and just to feel what they felt overall.

after a short amount of time though, me and that person lost contact, and it had a way unhealthy impact on me. i didn't know how to handle even the smallest things like that.

to this day i feel like if that were to happen now, i would've reacted TOTALLY different.
but i was younger, and if it weren't for that experience i don't know how i'd be thinking to this day.


anyway, now that i see them, i almost feel like we switched place. they kind of went through this messy downfall (that i have yet to get the full story of >:|), while i had an uprising with God

with the way i look at things these days, i'd usually just say "why bother talking to them?"
but i still want to know the story behind it, you know?

i know it's happened so many times before, even to someone that's still very close to me to this day, but this time i want answers.
i want to know, how can you know the love of God, and give it all up?
how can you feel what i've felt, and STILL been able to just leave it all?

and don't get me wrong, it's not meant to be a judgmental thing, but i just need to know how one manages to do that. i know the struggles of temptation and all of that, but how do you fully revoke your relationship with God after experiencing it?

I'm still struggling on the decision of what to do to find out more of this persons story,
but I guess we'll just have to wait and see..

i forgot how awesome this was.

if our greatest need was for information,
God would have sent an educator.
If our greatest need was for techonology,
God would have sent a scientist
If our greatest need was for money,
God would have sent an economist,
But since our greatest need is for forgiveness,
God sent a savior.

i'll be honest

i've just felt very uninspired, to do almost anything.
to write,
play piano,
sketch,
paint,
everything.

i just spend my time being disgusted with myself.
for multiple reasons.

and i keep clicking "new post" everyday and i just leave the tab open until i leave my computer to go to bed. there's a whole lot of exciting things to say but i can't do justice to any of them in the state that i'm in unfortunately.

i've also been having a lot of issues with my faith lately, which is probably i'm in this place.
i stopped reading as much and i've just become this vegetable in my room that doesn't really want to talk to God or fix anything.
but the last thing i did read was Matthew 14: 22-33
which is ironic.

i just need to get it together.

so i'll come back when i can, which hopefully wont be too long!
all i need to do is stop focusing on other peoples' problems and work on my own.

I'm only human

And You are so much more

I just need to remember that

helloo beloved of 2010

it is indeed the new year and so far its been really good! there's so much stuff to look forwards too

in 3 days it'll be karina's birthday, in 5 days it'll be the weekend and we have a lot of plans, anddd in 10 days its puerto rico time!

i can't even begin to tell you how excited i am. mainly because it's freezing in new york right now. i can almost already feel the heat from the sun, the relief of the water and the comfort of the sand finally between my toes again. (sorry if anyone is reading this, i don't mean to show off ;D)

i really think a place where it's always summer is where i belong though.

but anyway, as of right now all my relationships are in order and i'm really stoked about where God's been leading me and what he's been doing in everyone else's life around me. i realized that i want to do my best to share God's love with the people i know and meet.

i want to make it happen next opportunity i get.

it's new years eve!

new year
a new year

that's what makes it important, at least to me. it's the anniversary of something ugly, but today is beautiful because of it. this whole year has been a blessing.

it hits so hard when i look at where i was last new years eve, and where i'm going to be this one.
i can't help but rejoice, its incredible.

so here's to the change God's brought, and is going to bring