i wrote a whole post

explaining everything.

like, how when i want to talk about something bugging me, i somehow convince myself not to.

and come up with different reasons each time.

this time it was because i realized i'm only trying to convince myself.

funny thing is, i erased it all.

judgement

(didn't make that ^)

i've been kinda messed up lately.

to other people, but only in my head (if that makes any sense?)

i stopped saying things out loud about people, thus saying things even more in my head

which in reality is worse

the fact that only God and i know how messed up the things i've been saying about people have been makes me feel like such a crappier person.

mainly because at the end of the day, who am i REALLY doing it for?

God, or everyone else?

if He's the only one who can hear me, isn't that just as bad if not worse?

when you come to that realization, it flips everything around.

stress is doubt

this week has been full of it

last night i was up until 1 in the morning tossing and turning until finally i realized

i'm stressing over things i shouldn't be

i work hard in school

i've been practicing my butt off for this sunday

and who cares if i screw up?

we're playing worship music

which means its not about us

it's about God

as far as my grades go, i can do it. i really can do this.

everyone else is bugging out too, about the same stuff.

and i hope you all realize this one thing:

stressing. doesn't. help.

its doesn't, and i understand it just happens on impulse.

but if you come to realize that you are stressed, replace it with action.

i speak for myself as well.

i always say "if you don't like it, change it"

which, in some cases, ISN'T possible

but in this case it is.

so take advantage of that friends.

there's a lot of windows being opened right now and all we can do to get to where we want to be is step out of our comfort zone

and jump.

i need the world to know

what i know,

and feel what i feel

it doesn't matter when or where it happened

whether it was 40 minutes away or in the comfort of my own house

tonight i felt Him in the wind

He was holding me

fear

its really screwed me up.

it's probably screwed you up too.

and over.

it's prevented me from doing so much, as well as witnessing and experiencing.

i know it's inevitable. i'll always feel fear and i can't just make it go away.

but i can at least try to control it a little more, right?

i need to remember it's okay to take risks.

i need to remember that even though it's out of my hands, God's doing something way more efficient with it than i would've.

wait for the big hand to reach the 9

the last 80 minutes are up
grab my things

i don't go to my locker anymore

normally the 2nd person on the bus
i always get the seat where the wheel is
it's the least bumpy
pretty convenient cause i always have to pee on the way

i'm the last stop
everyone gets off before me so i do embarrassing things
i feel satisfaction in knowing that no one will ever know (>:D)

smile at the bus driver
pleasant little walk home
there's only a car in the driveway on monday's
every other day i can work on a couple songs

take about 4 minutes to find my key
usually leave it in the door
no package today, hopefully tomorrow
i really do love packages.

bathroom, we're always out of soap but i press the thing anyway
food, "i forgot we had cheesesticks". everytime.

somethings dvr'd, its river monsters today. i should go watch it.


this is my routine, at least for the time being.
i like it a lot. but it's important to leave yourself open to change.
or else things could get boring.

whenever it changes, i'm sure it'll be nice. in a different way.

i need to start getting used to being around people more. or people in general.
it would be unfortunate to miss out on any opportunities.

i asked God for wisdom, slowly but surely, He's giving it to me.


p.s. i was talking about how i wanted a giraffe silly band. i've been keeping it a secret how bad i wanted one. but a really sweet girl gave me a hippo. i'm obsessed with it.

reflect.

today, for the first time in a very long time, i looked back.

10th grade imari, that was the imari that put down all the other imari's. once i left behind 10th grade imari, it wiped away every single imari before that

none of which were who i am today, and it just overwhelms me a bit - the extreme gap between who i am, and who i was about to be. one year ago.

it feels like forever though.
all i could think was, God is so big, i am so small. what makes ME so special that He took my life and turned it completely upside down? even after i completely turned my back on Him?

i know the answer, it'll just never cease to amaze me.

people question my faith, sometimes i even question my own faith.
but at the end of the day, i look at what God's done

He's created something out of nothing,
He took who i was and what i've done
He guided me from those who brought me down, and lead me to those who lift me up and that i could lift up as well.

how?! how could it be anything else?

well on a less intense note, Ecclesiastes has been helping a lot
i'm pretty sure i am now passing english and history
today i found out i was one of the few people that got a good grade on the last history test (quest, whatever.)

but yeah, i just finished Ecclesiastes 10, which means there's only 2 more left!
don't know what to read next, but it'll just happen, i know it =)