day 1 among the last of them

today was the first day of my senior year. there was no tech though, that starts tomorrow.

the upside: got to sleep in on my first day
the downside: i had to walk to school and nearly had to walk back due to mass confusion between not knowing what number my bus was and if it even existed to begin with

i realized today that not existing would be easy, i never really existed to begin with in my school and quite honestly that's working just fine for me. Yet, even though it works perfectly as far as having a peaceful/dramaless year goes, it also reminded me of how alone i am most of the time. i don't want to fall back into the habit of keeping everything to myself and shutting everyone out. that's where God comes in the most. when i read this in the future i want it to remind me of what my state of mind was at the start of this year.

right now things are extremely weird, with my friends, family, relationship and overall self. ever since i got back a week ago, things have been kind of extreme. although some of it is extremely unfortunate, it brought to light some of the most important things in my life and what needs to change. the end of this summer has shown me that i'm not a kid anymore, i may not be a "real adult" yet, but i'm certainly not a kid. it's a weird feeling, it's not good or bad. just weird. as of right now i don't know how i feel about it and i don't think i'll know for a little while, but i do accept it. otherwise, i feel like i wouldn't be allowing God to move me forward with his plan in my life. i realized more and more that i came to accept the way i was living. sitting inside, reading the bible, not cursing, not going out and doing nothing isn't exactly Godliness, in a way it's more fear of not being able to handle the world. by staying in the little bubble it becomes a sanctuary and a different world of your own world. nothing changes or moves and there's this security of not getting hurt or screwing anyone over but at the end of the day, you screw yourself over. when i graduate and i'm on my own i want to be ready to take what the world has to throw at me. if things stay the way they are, i don't see how that's possible. everyone might not exactly agree with it, but i know it's what God wants. regardless of what anyone is thinking, i don't want to ignore it out of fear of being hated, upset with, or hurt. i've been doing that for too long.

i don't exactly know where i'm going to end up or where this is gonna go, but i know it's somewhere.