still

even after all this time
even after all the realizations and growing i've done
even after all the recovery

i still can't do it.

not yet, it's not time yet.
so i'll wait on you, God.

i don't want to fail you.

in vs. out

i'm trying to find a decent balance between the time i spend alone and the time i spend going out.

nothing is really definite for this summer aside from me working on tuesdays and thursdays.

other than that there's these two extremes that go on throughout the weeks:

i'm out for days

i'm in my house alone all day

there's really no balance, and i can't tell which i'm more comfortable with

being out with friends is really nice and all but i almost feel like i have no time to think and get overwhelmed

but being at home alone for such an extreme amount of time drives me nuts from thinking too much.

perfect example being today.

and somewhere in this weird pattern i find myself with too much or too little time, not making any for God

i haven't read since before heatwave. i should be now but instead i'm blogging in the middle of the night.

it makes me feel like a butthead when i push Him aside like this cause i know He never does.

that's really what i should be doing right now, consulting to Him about this.

guess that's my cue to leave..

closure

for once in my life, or at least as far as i can remember, i know how i feel

there is no doubt or indecision. there is no hopelessness and there is no anxiety.

there is no wanting more and there is no feeling unwanted.

and most of all there is no desire at the moment to reach for anything but God

there are no distractions; no crushes, no overwhelming temptations, no fear, no angst, no jealousy, no confusion, no sadness.

because right now and for the past couple months God has been telling me to be still and know that HE is God, that HE knows what he's doing

and at long last i decided to listen.

but the greatest thing about it all is there is no insecurity,

because the more i strive to be like him, the more beautiful i feel, because He is.