day 1 among the last of them

today was the first day of my senior year. there was no tech though, that starts tomorrow.

the upside: got to sleep in on my first day
the downside: i had to walk to school and nearly had to walk back due to mass confusion between not knowing what number my bus was and if it even existed to begin with

i realized today that not existing would be easy, i never really existed to begin with in my school and quite honestly that's working just fine for me. Yet, even though it works perfectly as far as having a peaceful/dramaless year goes, it also reminded me of how alone i am most of the time. i don't want to fall back into the habit of keeping everything to myself and shutting everyone out. that's where God comes in the most. when i read this in the future i want it to remind me of what my state of mind was at the start of this year.

right now things are extremely weird, with my friends, family, relationship and overall self. ever since i got back a week ago, things have been kind of extreme. although some of it is extremely unfortunate, it brought to light some of the most important things in my life and what needs to change. the end of this summer has shown me that i'm not a kid anymore, i may not be a "real adult" yet, but i'm certainly not a kid. it's a weird feeling, it's not good or bad. just weird. as of right now i don't know how i feel about it and i don't think i'll know for a little while, but i do accept it. otherwise, i feel like i wouldn't be allowing God to move me forward with his plan in my life. i realized more and more that i came to accept the way i was living. sitting inside, reading the bible, not cursing, not going out and doing nothing isn't exactly Godliness, in a way it's more fear of not being able to handle the world. by staying in the little bubble it becomes a sanctuary and a different world of your own world. nothing changes or moves and there's this security of not getting hurt or screwing anyone over but at the end of the day, you screw yourself over. when i graduate and i'm on my own i want to be ready to take what the world has to throw at me. if things stay the way they are, i don't see how that's possible. everyone might not exactly agree with it, but i know it's what God wants. regardless of what anyone is thinking, i don't want to ignore it out of fear of being hated, upset with, or hurt. i've been doing that for too long.

i don't exactly know where i'm going to end up or where this is gonna go, but i know it's somewhere.

its been a hwhile

welp. it's ma birthday.

and not only does that mean i'm another year older, but its a sure sign that summer is almost done for. which means it's blogging season - at least until the school year is over. i realized this summer that over the year i only used this as an outlet, like a place to drop off the mess in the nonsense dump truck that is my mind. it didn't really matter if anyone/who was reading it, but at one point i did become dependent on it. it made it even more difficult to confide in other people and sometimes even in God.

but at the end of the day every post became something to look back on. although i might not be as consistent with it, i still want something to review in the future. like a back up memory. so everything that goes in here is just a tab or a mark. this is all a time capsule filled with all the who-i-was-and-will-be's that make me who i am, in Christ.

still

even after all this time
even after all the realizations and growing i've done
even after all the recovery

i still can't do it.

not yet, it's not time yet.
so i'll wait on you, God.

i don't want to fail you.

in vs. out

i'm trying to find a decent balance between the time i spend alone and the time i spend going out.

nothing is really definite for this summer aside from me working on tuesdays and thursdays.

other than that there's these two extremes that go on throughout the weeks:

i'm out for days

i'm in my house alone all day

there's really no balance, and i can't tell which i'm more comfortable with

being out with friends is really nice and all but i almost feel like i have no time to think and get overwhelmed

but being at home alone for such an extreme amount of time drives me nuts from thinking too much.

perfect example being today.

and somewhere in this weird pattern i find myself with too much or too little time, not making any for God

i haven't read since before heatwave. i should be now but instead i'm blogging in the middle of the night.

it makes me feel like a butthead when i push Him aside like this cause i know He never does.

that's really what i should be doing right now, consulting to Him about this.

guess that's my cue to leave..

closure

for once in my life, or at least as far as i can remember, i know how i feel

there is no doubt or indecision. there is no hopelessness and there is no anxiety.

there is no wanting more and there is no feeling unwanted.

and most of all there is no desire at the moment to reach for anything but God

there are no distractions; no crushes, no overwhelming temptations, no fear, no angst, no jealousy, no confusion, no sadness.

because right now and for the past couple months God has been telling me to be still and know that HE is God, that HE knows what he's doing

and at long last i decided to listen.

but the greatest thing about it all is there is no insecurity,

because the more i strive to be like him, the more beautiful i feel, because He is.

so glad to never go back

thank God we never have the option of going back in time
thank God we can only move forward
thank God we always have an option to grow
thank God most of us do
thank God i have You

i wrote a whole post

explaining everything.

like, how when i want to talk about something bugging me, i somehow convince myself not to.

and come up with different reasons each time.

this time it was because i realized i'm only trying to convince myself.

funny thing is, i erased it all.

judgement

(didn't make that ^)

i've been kinda messed up lately.

to other people, but only in my head (if that makes any sense?)

i stopped saying things out loud about people, thus saying things even more in my head

which in reality is worse

the fact that only God and i know how messed up the things i've been saying about people have been makes me feel like such a crappier person.

mainly because at the end of the day, who am i REALLY doing it for?

God, or everyone else?

if He's the only one who can hear me, isn't that just as bad if not worse?

when you come to that realization, it flips everything around.

stress is doubt

this week has been full of it

last night i was up until 1 in the morning tossing and turning until finally i realized

i'm stressing over things i shouldn't be

i work hard in school

i've been practicing my butt off for this sunday

and who cares if i screw up?

we're playing worship music

which means its not about us

it's about God

as far as my grades go, i can do it. i really can do this.

everyone else is bugging out too, about the same stuff.

and i hope you all realize this one thing:

stressing. doesn't. help.

its doesn't, and i understand it just happens on impulse.

but if you come to realize that you are stressed, replace it with action.

i speak for myself as well.

i always say "if you don't like it, change it"

which, in some cases, ISN'T possible

but in this case it is.

so take advantage of that friends.

there's a lot of windows being opened right now and all we can do to get to where we want to be is step out of our comfort zone

and jump.

i need the world to know

what i know,

and feel what i feel

it doesn't matter when or where it happened

whether it was 40 minutes away or in the comfort of my own house

tonight i felt Him in the wind

He was holding me

fear

its really screwed me up.

it's probably screwed you up too.

and over.

it's prevented me from doing so much, as well as witnessing and experiencing.

i know it's inevitable. i'll always feel fear and i can't just make it go away.

but i can at least try to control it a little more, right?

i need to remember it's okay to take risks.

i need to remember that even though it's out of my hands, God's doing something way more efficient with it than i would've.

wait for the big hand to reach the 9

the last 80 minutes are up
grab my things

i don't go to my locker anymore

normally the 2nd person on the bus
i always get the seat where the wheel is
it's the least bumpy
pretty convenient cause i always have to pee on the way

i'm the last stop
everyone gets off before me so i do embarrassing things
i feel satisfaction in knowing that no one will ever know (>:D)

smile at the bus driver
pleasant little walk home
there's only a car in the driveway on monday's
every other day i can work on a couple songs

take about 4 minutes to find my key
usually leave it in the door
no package today, hopefully tomorrow
i really do love packages.

bathroom, we're always out of soap but i press the thing anyway
food, "i forgot we had cheesesticks". everytime.

somethings dvr'd, its river monsters today. i should go watch it.


this is my routine, at least for the time being.
i like it a lot. but it's important to leave yourself open to change.
or else things could get boring.

whenever it changes, i'm sure it'll be nice. in a different way.

i need to start getting used to being around people more. or people in general.
it would be unfortunate to miss out on any opportunities.

i asked God for wisdom, slowly but surely, He's giving it to me.


p.s. i was talking about how i wanted a giraffe silly band. i've been keeping it a secret how bad i wanted one. but a really sweet girl gave me a hippo. i'm obsessed with it.

reflect.

today, for the first time in a very long time, i looked back.

10th grade imari, that was the imari that put down all the other imari's. once i left behind 10th grade imari, it wiped away every single imari before that

none of which were who i am today, and it just overwhelms me a bit - the extreme gap between who i am, and who i was about to be. one year ago.

it feels like forever though.
all i could think was, God is so big, i am so small. what makes ME so special that He took my life and turned it completely upside down? even after i completely turned my back on Him?

i know the answer, it'll just never cease to amaze me.

people question my faith, sometimes i even question my own faith.
but at the end of the day, i look at what God's done

He's created something out of nothing,
He took who i was and what i've done
He guided me from those who brought me down, and lead me to those who lift me up and that i could lift up as well.

how?! how could it be anything else?

well on a less intense note, Ecclesiastes has been helping a lot
i'm pretty sure i am now passing english and history
today i found out i was one of the few people that got a good grade on the last history test (quest, whatever.)

but yeah, i just finished Ecclesiastes 10, which means there's only 2 more left!
don't know what to read next, but it'll just happen, i know it =)

sup

i've been grumpy since i got back :^{|

i know i have. if you're reading this, and i've been grumpy towards you recently, i'm sorry. i really am.

i actually just wrote about half of this blog ranting about how i don't know why i've been so grumpy, then i realized:

i'm grumpy because i'm grounded.
inside, while we're having all this beautiful weather.

but that's my fault!
so the grumpiness ends now.
i just need to rough it out for the next 2 weeks and take all the time i can to do better so i can get out of this house.

also, my goal is to get done reading Ecclesiastes by Wednesday, i don't think i finished 1 Corinthians so i should get back on that next..
get those sketches done for everyone and hopefully work on some songs with mike and david.
and karina.
hopefully.
all together for once (...hopefully).

this isn't as much of a blog as it is a note.
i hope i remember to look back on it.
no, i will.

will i?

yeah.
i will.
bye!

work camp

it's come and gone.

i think this one was the best yet, mainly because no one knew what to expect, and we received the unexpected. a lot more kids went this year, and i was shocked to pretty much get to know at least a little more about all of them. it was amazing.

last year was about serving God, which seemed to go hand in hand with the whole work camp thing. but this year was about seeking God's wisdom. i guess i didn't realize how important it really was until this past week.

sorry i haven't posted in a while btw. (y'know, to my billions of readers out there.. dan)

as of right now i'm in a bit of a pickle as far as friends go, but i have peace knowing that God's provided me with the best friends a person could have and that i've already gotten closer to a lot of amazing people just in this last week.

the whole seeking God's wisdom thing excites me too. it kind of kicked me in the butt and made me want to learn more, about Him and how to do things His way.

as of right now i have a lot of free time on my hands, which means a lot more time to focus on that, and creating things. i've been making a LOTTT of songs lately, and we just had our first "practice" the other day and it all just seemed to kind of work together. i can't wait to see where that goes!

and as far as my art goes i've been taking as many opportunities as i can to use the talent God's given me and grow on it. i started working on redoing the church logo! so far they love where i'm going with it so good good news!

all in all my life has been going in a bunch of directions. crazy, good, bad.
regardless, it's hard to be sad when i know that God is ALWAYS about to do something incredible.

decisions decisions decisions

i decided to:

stop saying i'll do it tomorrow.
get the guts.
thank God even/especially on the bad days.
actually rejoice in my trials.
have more faith.
take more risks.
be more patient.
stop thinking.

do something.

it's weird.

have you ever had someone when you were younger, play the smallest role in your life, but have the biggest impact?

then you find out that they're not at all who you thought they were?
you just put them on this pedestal before you really know about their life, because of what they've done to impact yours?

its happened to me a countless amount of times, and it's something i'm training myself not to do.
just recently i found someone i haven't spoken to in a VERY long time, a couple of years or so, but i guess i wasn't really expecting what i saw. or heard.

it's so strange because at the time i met them i was going through this crazy time where i was just getting to get to know God, but i was also getting to know the way the world really worked.
when i met this person, it was the biggest deal, i'd never met anyone like it. they were on fire for God, or at least at the time they were. they had this crazy drive and glow to them, which probably made them seem that much more appealing to me. i didn't even know anything about them, but i did know that they inspired me to want more of God, and just to feel what they felt overall.

after a short amount of time though, me and that person lost contact, and it had a way unhealthy impact on me. i didn't know how to handle even the smallest things like that.

to this day i feel like if that were to happen now, i would've reacted TOTALLY different.
but i was younger, and if it weren't for that experience i don't know how i'd be thinking to this day.


anyway, now that i see them, i almost feel like we switched place. they kind of went through this messy downfall (that i have yet to get the full story of >:|), while i had an uprising with God

with the way i look at things these days, i'd usually just say "why bother talking to them?"
but i still want to know the story behind it, you know?

i know it's happened so many times before, even to someone that's still very close to me to this day, but this time i want answers.
i want to know, how can you know the love of God, and give it all up?
how can you feel what i've felt, and STILL been able to just leave it all?

and don't get me wrong, it's not meant to be a judgmental thing, but i just need to know how one manages to do that. i know the struggles of temptation and all of that, but how do you fully revoke your relationship with God after experiencing it?

I'm still struggling on the decision of what to do to find out more of this persons story,
but I guess we'll just have to wait and see..

i forgot how awesome this was.

if our greatest need was for information,
God would have sent an educator.
If our greatest need was for techonology,
God would have sent a scientist
If our greatest need was for money,
God would have sent an economist,
But since our greatest need is for forgiveness,
God sent a savior.

i'll be honest

i've just felt very uninspired, to do almost anything.
to write,
play piano,
sketch,
paint,
everything.

i just spend my time being disgusted with myself.
for multiple reasons.

and i keep clicking "new post" everyday and i just leave the tab open until i leave my computer to go to bed. there's a whole lot of exciting things to say but i can't do justice to any of them in the state that i'm in unfortunately.

i've also been having a lot of issues with my faith lately, which is probably i'm in this place.
i stopped reading as much and i've just become this vegetable in my room that doesn't really want to talk to God or fix anything.
but the last thing i did read was Matthew 14: 22-33
which is ironic.

i just need to get it together.

so i'll come back when i can, which hopefully wont be too long!
all i need to do is stop focusing on other peoples' problems and work on my own.

I'm only human

And You are so much more

I just need to remember that

helloo beloved of 2010

it is indeed the new year and so far its been really good! there's so much stuff to look forwards too

in 3 days it'll be karina's birthday, in 5 days it'll be the weekend and we have a lot of plans, anddd in 10 days its puerto rico time!

i can't even begin to tell you how excited i am. mainly because it's freezing in new york right now. i can almost already feel the heat from the sun, the relief of the water and the comfort of the sand finally between my toes again. (sorry if anyone is reading this, i don't mean to show off ;D)

i really think a place where it's always summer is where i belong though.

but anyway, as of right now all my relationships are in order and i'm really stoked about where God's been leading me and what he's been doing in everyone else's life around me. i realized that i want to do my best to share God's love with the people i know and meet.

i want to make it happen next opportunity i get.